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Monday, April 20, 2009

Back to normal? Diet plan.

Sort of.

I'm actually getting ready to go to work and the whole getting ready process is kind of a waste of time.

Aside from getting the kids up, ready for school and dropping them off...


(OMG...so I'm here trying to write this post and nosy ass Dom comes and reads the first couple of lines and has to "correct" me because I didn't "officially" wake the kids up today. He woke up and saw me feeding the cats and I told him to wake the kids up so he wanted me to write...."On occasion, Dom wakes the kids up."

He wants to make sure I don't take all the credit for getting the kids up.)

...ANYWHOOOO....moving on...

As I was saying...After I drop the kids off at school, I come back to the house, shower and get myself dressed for work. I wear scrubs everyday that I work. The only thing about getting ready now is that I only have one patient today. I see this patient early in the morning and then I'm done. So the whole dressing up in scrubs is a waste cause I gotta come back home and change an hour later for the rest of the day.

Whatever, I'm just procrastinating because I don't want to work today.

My SIL knows how hard I work everyday and how it takes every bit of energy I have to make it through the end of the work day. WHEW.


*snicker*


Anyway. I mentioned in THIS POST about how I might tell you about the weightloss plan Jenn and I have come up with. I'm not sure if anyone read that one but either way...

Oh...wait...first things first...DOM!....go do something else. This might be a little too TMI for you. Really, go. Go practice your guitar.....




go.



Alright.

So Jenn and I were talking last weekend about how we needed to find a better way to lose weight other than diet and exercise.

Yes, we are THAT lazy.

Since my SIL was visiting and she breastfeeds my nieces...we realized that BREASTFEEDING burns a crap load of calories and is said to shrink your tummies. What?! You mean all I have to do is breastfeed and I'm good to go?

HELL YEAH!

SIGN ME UP!

(I told you DOM!!! Now...GO!!)

Now, I know what you're thinking:

Sheila? Didn't you breastfeed your kids when they were little?

Answer:

No.

Why, you ask??

Because they wouldn't latch on and I was in enormous *emphasizing the word ENORMOUS* pain. Every time I tried and failed, my breasts would continue to fill and they were tipping me over. It wasn't one of those sexy looking huge titted chicks that some men like. It was more like I can't breathe in bed if I lay on my back or sides cause they were smothering me and there was no way I could lay on my stomach because then I was looking more like a ramp.

So I binded them until they shrunk. It sucked and I'm glad it's over.

Now...back to our ingenious plan...

Jenn and I started brainstorming ideas and how it would work.

1) We would need to offer our "services" to willing friends and family (you know, like a momma kitten would nurse a few stray newborn pups).

2) Sign up for a group that provides Surrogate Nursing Mothers (and if there isn't one...create one) of course we wouldn't be able to use the initials for obvious reasons.

3) Start a babysitting company (no one has to know).

Anyway, so far that is all we've come up with on that part of the idea.

The other part is how are we going to get ourselves to start lactating?

I mean, the last time I had a child was almost 8 years ago. I may just as well be powdered up in here.

Wait...there may still be hope. They still feel liquidy. Cool.

So still the problem of how to lactate. Is there a pill?


Then I came across this:

TIPS ON HOW TO INDUCE LACTATION.

Okay, for those of you who clicked on the link and read it, does that mean I have to call Angel home from work 8 times a day for 20 minutes to come and help me...lactate?

I don't know man...that seems like a lot of work and a lot of commuting.

My SIL was telling us about a woman in another country who was still breastfeeding her (10 yr old?) and that her older daughter was jealous of this one because she still wants the tit.


C'mon now.

There is NO WAY I'm going to snatch my kids and hurl them toward my bosom for feeding. I can't imagine DOM walking around with crusted milk on his upper lip like one of those "Got Milk" ads. (that's what you get for still being here, DOM)


Unimaginable.

AND THEN...I started to have second thoughts.

I thought about how unsexy it is to walk around with leaky boobs. I'd have a hell of a time trying to wear those dang circular maxi pads for your nipples (yes, they serve the same purpose...absorbtion.....I know, I know....ewww) WHATEVA!

Anyway, I'm not trying to be having to decide between only being able to wear a couple of tops because the others all have nipple stains.

Sorry.

I guess I'm going to have to opt out of this diet plan.

Damn. It started out as such a good idea too.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

All I can say is hilarious! Even though I was there during the infant stages of the idea and became its research template, if I may? Yes it's me- the leaking, maxi breast pad wearing, keep extra shirts in my trunk, SIL ! love you

~Sheila~ said...

HA HA..I knew it was a matter of time before you would comment.

Now start writing yourself so we can be stupid together.

Andy said...

This has to be one of your funniest posts... breastfeeding to lose weight- who knew? I think you can really get somewhere nursing kittens. Go volunteer at an animal shelter.

The Teenage Years said...

Two words : funny and GROSS I did not need to know any of that thanx for the nightmares mom

Mom Taxi Julie said...

LOL I nursed all my kids and I'm still fat so what gives!?!?!

I actually watched that video with the 10 year old girl. Ewww is all I can say. Couldn't wait to get my kids OFF at around a year old, can't imagine 10!

Beyond Danielle said...

lol, they do have a pill that will have you lacting in no time, try the health food store, and then send me some milk for my new baby, lol

I completely dreading the breastfeeding thing and I really hate similac

~Sheila~ said...

Andy:
Yeah, apparently that's the word on the street from nursing mothers.
Now, can you really see me nursing kittens??? Imagine me living the rest of my life with cats following me like the pied piper. THEY KNOW WHAT'S UP!!

The Teenage Years:
HI Honey!!
See, I told you to do something else but you kept on.
Next time...Heed my warnings!

MOMTJ:
LMFAO!
Stop that! Maybe you needed to try longer...see if they will still latch on...LOL!

Beyond Danielle:
WOW..A REAL PILL?
Trust me!! I could probably feed your baby for a week straight. Stupid Boobs!

All of my kids used enfamil or similac.