MAGIC MIKE?

A short time ago, a couple of friends of mine and I decided we wanted to make it a girls night out.
We had drinks at a friend's house early . The night was going smoothly at this point, and we had planned to see Magic Mike. (I know ladies and gents, I know. Please try to contain your "EXCITE" ment).

When the time came to go to the theater, we found that all the showings were SOLD OUT!

We scrambled to another theater, SOLD OUT!

Uh, What's going on here? 
We didn't realize how many women in the valley were sitting in theater seats at THAT moment. 3 of those seats should have been OURS! 

That movie was sold out for quite awhile.
By the time my friends and I decided to watch the movie, I felt like we were getting sloppy tenths and I'm pretty sure some of their man-parts weren't THAT low when the movie first came out.
No, I'm serious.
We got to see the movie at the dollar cinema where we only paid $1.50. I took a whole $5. I was happy I had money left over to stick in some one's undies!

Let's talk about the movie.


I know I should be ecstatic about a group of men who like to gyrate in their less than undies to some crazy music I'm sure is playing in the background. At first, I was mesmerized by their package stage performance, but then I started noticing women being dragged on stage as if they reaaaaallllyyy didn't want to go (yeah right). 

Then, they put her on a chair and would proceed to grind their ass up and down the woman's body. 
I'm sure some women like this kind of fore-play but I'm not seeing a whole lot of pleasure from the women. I'm not even getting any pleasure watching it.

AND THEN..., and you're not gonna believe THIS, they turn around and  begin to suffocate dry hump her face. 
NO KIDDING!
I SHIT YOU NOT!

Every scene like that (and believe me, there were a lot of them) had me thinking to myself. 
I DO NOT want to go to a male dance review whatever the fuck. I DO NOT want to get poked in the chin, eye, cheek, nose....etc. like those women. I don't think it's cute or sexy. 

I DID, however, think it was fucking HILARIOUS!!
I laughed throughout the whole movie.

I have to warn you though. There were some parts that were utterly disgusting.
For the love of GOD, why didn't anyone tell me Kevin Nash was going to be in it?

Not even a head's up?

I believe someone should have called, texted, faxed, messaged or even smoke signaled to let me know I was in for this crazy surprise.
I thought you guys were my friends!

NOT SEXY! Not Sexy At All! 


Ughhh, It pains me to look at him, and I had to see him in a banana hammock? Is there no Mercy?

If you women think this chunk of man is sexy, better you than me!
I saw this man in action and let me say. I've seen Turtles gyrate faster and sexier than he does.
Poor baby, he was so stiff (and I'm not referring to his member).
There was a stage FULL of half naked men dancing and thrusting and suffocating women and I couldn't take my eyes off the TIN MAN here. Someone needed to lube him up and I, at this time, am choosing to use my "opt-out" option. Thankyouverymuch..

There was a scene where he is supposed to be seducing a woman "Tarzan Style" but I, personally, would rather have preferred to be left to fend for myself against the gorillas.

Maybe that's why they left him off the main poster.

TO TRICK ME!!

Man-Cave? Really?

Okay, soo.....

Those people who know me, know I like to joke around. Who better to pick on then my patients?
For example,
If you come in with your stories about how you've actually procured a section of your house for your own personal reasons...say...a MAN CAVE, then you deserve to get picked on.

I'm just sayin...

One day a patient started out with a conversation having EVERYTHING  NOTHING  to do about me, but I happened to be eavesdropping (like always) and I heard the word "Man-cave" and was like..."MAN CAVE?, you have a man cave?"

Now, my image of a "MAN CAVE" is men gathering together in a club-house-like restored room of any sort (say a garage or tent) where men go to...be Men.

Okay, so this image DOES include but is not limited to:
Club Houses (in or out of a tree) with "Keep Out" signs, cushion forts and/or chair/kitchen table forts with taped "No Girls Allowed" signs, men walking around in loin cloths, body odor, UGG like boots and dragging around an enormous club.

Hey!

I'm not judging! I LOOOVED forts, and clubhouses made of furniture, cushions and bed sheets.

But this..I feel..is different.

So I asked, "You have a MAN-CAVE?!"

Okay...so that wasn't so much asking as it was making a statement but still...

For those of you who actually "know" me, you know I looooove making therapy fun.
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So, here we have a patient we'll call "Man-Cave". I ask Roque (you remember Roque, right?) <--click on link.
Well, when I asked (out of curiosity), what goes on in a "Man-Cave?
I was told, "Manly Things".

Yeah, like that means anything.

So, since there was no CLEAR definition of "Manly-Things", I decided to come up with a few exercises for men to do in their "Manly" ways in their MAN CAVES.

First, we have:

THE PRINCESS WAVE

Yes, It's exactly what you think. The position of the elbow should be at 90 degrees and the turning of the wrist so that the hand rotates in the air like so.
If they liked, they could blow kisses or even can show their "GUNS" if they like but they always returned to the Princess Wave.

Then there's the ever so popular,

STAYIN ALIVE

Now, what man doesn't want to pretend they are on a lighted dance floor busting out their moves for all their friends to see?
White suit, disco ball and some dancing boot heels is all you need cause we have the rest here.
And by "the rest" I mean, me singing "Ah, ha, ha, ha, Stayin' alive. Stayin' alive." right behind you.

Let's not forget, no man would ever be complete leaving therapy without doing:

THE HULA HOOP

You see? Who doesn't want a hula hoop of their own? No fighting boys, we have plenty. 

You say you want the pink one? No problem, it's all yours.

It's great exercise and I can tell the men get a little giddy inside when I mention what exercise is next. I can almost imagine them giggling, clapping and  jumping for joy.

You guys think I'm joking, huh?
This is actual therapy and once I have the patient "man" performing the exercises, I like to mention how "MANLY" they look.
I'm telling you, they want to choke the shit out of me by the end of therapy LOVE it!

So, Gentlemen, if you happen to find yourself hurt on the job and in need of physical rehabilitation, I've got a few exercises for ya.

We'll make our own MAN CAVE!

Trust me, It'll be FUN!!!

I Miss You..

I Miss You.

I don't know what happened to us.
We used to be so close.
We were inseparable.
We were soul-mates.
All I had to do was think about you and you were there..almost in an instant.

Now, I hardly see you.
I hardly even know you.
I hate it.

I feel like we're not even friends.
I feel like you've found someone else.
I feel like you don't love me anymore.
I still love you!!
I would do anything for you at any time!

Everything and everyone interferes with our chances to be together.
I toss and turn at night since you're not there with me.
It sucks.

Admit it, you've moved on, right?
You found someone else who will embrace you the way I used to. Maybe better.
People tell me about spending ALL DAY with you.
I read about it ONLINE!
It's as if they are bragging about being with you.
My life feels like Adele songs without you.

Please come back to me.
I will do my best to make time for you.
I will be the best partner EVER! Just like old times.
I promise.
Okay, so I know you know I can't promise but I will TRY!

Don't you love me anymore??

I'm begging you,

Please, SLEEP, come back to me.

I've got some work to do...

Soooo..... I promised I would try to post more frequently. We all know how my promises play out. I'm gonna do my best this time....Uh,....I promise?

Okay, so I better not do the "promise" thing. I just gonna stick with...I'm gonna try. It's gotta be good enough.

If not..tough titties.

Okay, so I know that over the Christmas Holidays my body decided I was cold and self-insulated. It's not my fault. It wasn't my decision to gain these pounds. My body has a mind all it's own.

So, like I said, I am aware of this fact.

What I don't need is people pointing it out to me.

That's exactly what happened today. Who else is gonna come straight out and tell you about the extra weight you've packed on? Who else is gonna be so brutally honest to you about it? Who has no inhibitions when it comes to letting you know how you've been slacking in the hygiene, grooming, fashion or exercise departments?

Guess who...

MOM.

That's right, she decided today that it was HER job to let me know that I was "GELLIN".
Yeah, folks, and she's not talking about Dr Scholl's ...

And she definitely wasn't looking at my feet.

I'm feeling the love.

Thanks MA!

Guess I'm gonna have to head to Wal-Mart today to get a new scale.

Now, if you've read the past posts when I was dieting (many, many moons ago..) then you know I HAD a scale. I liked it to cause it Lied to me and made me think I was thin.
My scale has met an untimely demise.

One of my cats peed on it.

Yup, you read that right.

I said PEED.

I've had lots of animals throughout the years and they've all done some quirky things but this cat is new. Her name is Princess.

SHE'S NO PRINCESS!

She's peed on my bed, peed and pooped on any article of clothing left on the floor, pooped on the dustpan that was in the kitchen floor and even went so far as to poop in the cat food bowl in the restroom.
But now my poor scale was the victim this time.

WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL DOES THAT???

I do believe she may have some serious problems. I put the cats out so they can do their business but It's like she holds her urine and poop until she's let back in the house.



Looks like I got some serious training to do...

If I can't get this problem under control, there's gonna be a situation.


I'm just sayin...

OH NO SHE DI'INT!!

Christmas came and went last year and at work there is only one person who likes to decorate and celebrate the way I do. Her name is Lissa. She was going on and on about how shes "The Decorator" and how she's the shit.
Well...if you know me, I'm always up for a challenge. So I tell her, "Oh YEAH? Let's have a contest". We tried to get the whole office staff of 11 people involved but everyone else, besides one other guy whose name is Roque, considered the contest unworthy of participation.

Whatev!!

I'm on it!

I didn't get a pic of her office by the time Christmas rolled around but I can say it was/is "cute".
MINE on the other hand was "THE SHIT"!
She'd walk by my "area" (cause I really didn't have an "office" per se) and I would taunt her by saying, "Wacha think about THAT Lisssssaaaaaaa" and "Wacha got NOW, girliieeeeee?"
She would chuckle out loud but I knew she was SKERD!

So here's what I did:

Go ahead.

Say it.

I'm THA SHIT, Right!

Yeah, I know.

Now that the new year is here and Santa's job is over. I'm smart enough to know that there's no Santa in the North Pole. C'mon, a white bearded man in a shop with elves working on making toys? Who would believe that nonsense? Pfft.

Nope.

Santa is actually roaming the streets of McAllen.

It's too hot for his reindeer to take him anywhere in this valley weather. This isn't exactly "winter weather" they don't like the heat. They like the arctic cold so they leave Santa to fend for himself.

Too bad, Santa, too bad.

Moving on...

So We're moving on to the next holiday which is Valentine's Day and guess what?

IT'S ON, LISSSSAAAAAA!
IT'S OOOONNNNN!

Here's what I got so far:


Oh yeah, Baby! Lissa is going DOWN!!!

Here I have my interior decorator putting things together for me. His name is Robert and he's THE BEST!!
(Ok, so he's not actually an interior decorator, he's there to observe so he can gain hours to apply for the PTA program but I had to put him to good use. He was getting sleepy and we can't let THAT happen.)

We'll just call him my Intern.

Anywhoooo...Lissa is getting jealous because I have help and she's looking to recruit Roque to help her. Roque has already volunteered to dress as Cupid to help her cause.
Whatever!
Thanks Roque, now when I think about Cupid, I get this image in my head:

Go right ahead, Lissa!
BRANG IT!!

Don't make me turn Robert into a Cupid also.
Two can play that game!
This could mean W-A-R!

Tomorrow I will post a pic of HER office, Yeah, she has hanging decor but that don't mean NUTHIN!!

Like I said. It's ON!

I was just about to end this post and make it public for you guys but something happened.

As I was typing away and twirling my neck all ghetto-like while I listen to Throwback Jams on the Music Choice channel, a Tevin Campbell song came on. I was like, "Oh hell yeah!" I love me some Tevin Campbell, especially back in the day when he and I were the same age and I was CRUSHIN on him and I would pretend he was singing to me and that we were gonna get married and grow old together.
As the years went on...I sometimes still fascinated about that. (but don't tell nobody)

Anyway, I'm jammin to his song "Goodbye" and semi-dreaming of those long lost fantasies.
Now, anyone who's listened to or seen the Music Choice channels, you know they flash pics of the artist throughout their songs, right? Right.

So I'm glancing up periodically and looking at the pics of my past love. He was so HAWT back then. I was so infatuated with him and his music.
Yeah, granted, these are pics from WAAY back but he's still so cute!
As the pics went on he's getting more and more sophisticated and intellectual looking as he ages.



OK, Wait....

What is this?

What just happened there?

Did everyone just see that?

It looked like a small psychotic break happened to the poor guy. I don't understand, what happened to his boyish good looks and his trendy back-in-da-day hairstyles?

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OH LAWD!!!

Say it isn't SO!

I'm afraid he's exploded into full on driving the white van with tinted windows around the elementary schools..trolling for the kiddies.

(What's that high pitched sound?)

Oh wait, that's ME wincing in horror.

Goodness people. It took all of my might to unclench myself from my oldest, Dom, who was sitting next to me covering his eyes and looking away.

I used to love you, Tevin, but I see what has happened to you as I have married and moved on. I couldn't wait around any longer.
(I'm hoping we never see each other again)

With that folks....I'm O-U-T!

It's time to play Catch-Up!

Alright folks, I know it's been awhile so I'm going to just point out the important stuff that's been happening lately and then we will ......
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*cough, cough*...

ugh...GAG!

...sorry folks, my youngest just came in the room and as I was typing I asked him to look for the remotes to my TV. He ran around the room but didn't really find anything and then tried to bolt out of here. I had to stop typing for a min cause I realized he just farted and tried to escape and leave.
What the heck was he thinking?
YOU KNOW I called him back and called him on it.

Geez, that was foul.

Ok, so..back on track.

A lot has happened over the last year.

1. I got a new job. I'm no longer working home health. I'm the head of the physical therapy department in the facility and I have 2 tech working for me. It's an awesome job and the small staff that we have are THE BEST. I have an awesome boss so what more could you ask for??

2. I've had some ups and downs with my oldest. Not really going into the details about all the drama here but I WILL say that he's turn over a new leaf (hopefully this is a long term transformation). He's an awesome kids and I love him so no matter what I'm sticking by him. He just needs to continue to be aware that if he fucks up again..there's an ass-whooping in store for him.

3. This is the saddest part of the past year. My Dad had been fighting a battle to get his health in order. He suffered a heart attack in July and was able to recover from it. He went through rehab and ultimately ended up in a Veteran's nursing home. We were preparing for him to come home but one day his battle ended in November. I love him. I miss him.

4. Angel switched jobs to a job he really enjoys doing the same thing (machine operator) unfortunately, this new job does not come with medical insurance and because he has rheumatoid arthritis, he will need coverage. He's going to have to return to his old job that he hated but has awesome coverage. It sucks and now he will have to be further away from home for longer periods of time.

5. I've continued to coach. (I can't remember if I told you about that) I've been coaching Miah's volleyball, basketball and softball teams. It's super fun and I get to yell at the kids. There's no pay because it's voluntary so I throw in the yelling as an added bonus. I haven't had any complaints from the parents and they actually request me. It's all good. Currently it's basketball I will do my best to keep you updated on that.

6) Devyn and Miah qualified to go to STATE in summer track. Devyn for the 400 M relay and high jump and Miah for shot put. They were AWESOME and I was a super proud momma! Devyn came in 4th place in his division and Miah got 14. We're going for gold this year!

I think that is about it. Like I said, this is a Catch-Up blog.

Now I'm gonna get down to business in the next post.